


Get out of Jail, Free

by 27dragons, tisfan



Series: MCU Kink Bingo [62]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blind Date, Comedy, M/M, Matchmaker Natasha Romanov, Prison, misdemeanors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 20:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18080489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27dragons/pseuds/27dragons, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisfan/pseuds/tisfan
Summary: Tony’s blind date never showed up. Now he’s in jail with a terrible hangover and a gorgeous cellmate...For MCU Kink Bingo, Square O4: imprisoned together





	Get out of Jail, Free

 

“Morning, sunshine,” someone said, absently jostling Tony’s elbow. “Look, you have to wake up if you want coffee, they won’t let me hold it for ya.”

“Coffee?” At least, that’s what Tony intended to say. It probably came out more like, “Cffmrf?” Tony peeled one eye open -- _fuck_ , there was a light right over his goddamn _head_ sonova _bitch_. He squeezed it shut again, but now he could _smell_ the coffee.

It smelled half-burnt and lightly metallic, the sort of over-roasted crap beans that had been ground and then left out for hours until they were stale and then mixed with tepid tap water. Every mouthful was going to result in crunching grounds between his teeth.

He needed it. Desperately.

He shoved one hand under himself and pushed up. The change of position made his head throb so hard he could hear each surge of blood through his veins. “‘M up,” he mumbled. “Coffee?”

“Come on, sit up, hold your hand out-- yeah, a little to the left. Watch the--” Tony jammed his fingers right into something hard, cold, and metal. “--bars. There you go.”

Someone practically shoved a flimsy styrofoam cup into his hand, the sort of shitty thing you got at a Sunday afternoon church buffet. It wouldn’t have even done shit to keep from burning his fingers, except it seemed lukewarm at best.

“Okay, now, pull it straight back,” the guy said, sounding amused. A hand curled around his wrist and guided the cup to Tony’s mouth like he was a toddler.

Tony would’ve been vastly offended by that, except for how he might have actually needed the help. He took a swig of the coffee -- yep, chewing on the grounds already -- and pried his eyelid open again.

There were metal bars in front of him. Outside the bars, a cinderblock wall painted institutional beige. Tony squinted at it and tried to put the pieces together.

A burly guy in a cop’s uniform walked past, not bothering to glance Tony’s way.

“I’m in jail,” Tony observed. Fuck. He took another gulp of the coffee, trying not to taste it, and wracked his brain in search of some recent memories.

“Oh yeah,” the guy said. “Not sure if it’s the hangover or the crack t’ the skull that’s got you looking like undead movie star material, but that is, indeed, where you are. Holding cell, really. Just until someone comes and gets your ass. Assuming, of course, that _someone_ will.”

“That might depend,” Tony said, “on how exactly I wound up here.” Shitty though the coffee was, the caffeine was beginning to leach into his bloodstream. He was getting flashes of memory.

The blind date that he’d been stood up for. Deciding to have a consolation drink. Or three. And then a “fuck dating anyway” drink. And then-- “Oh, _hell_ , someone let me have tequila.” Well, that explained the head.

“Given that you’re of age, and your wallet had quite a number of shiny credit cards in it,” the guy said, “I expect you let _yourself_ have tequila. And I wasn’t spying, they processed both of us at the same time.”

“Tequila is _never_ a good idea for me,” Tony said glumly. Honestly, if he’d gotten low enough to have the bartender break out the tequila shots, he was a little surprised things weren’t _worse_. He turned his head to tell his cellmate that and froze in shock, mouth hanging open. The guy was drop-dead _gorgeous_. Long hair, just a little wavy, looked soft as hell. Blue-gray eyes that were crinkled in amusement. A mouth that just _begged_ to be kissed (and more). “Uh.”

Tony made himself blink and shake it off. Pretty people weren’t that hard to find, even if he hadn’t expected to meet anyone quite _this_ beautiful in a jail cell. “So, uh. Since they booked us together... don’t suppose you overheard what I actually _did_ to get arrested, did you?”

The guy laughed. “I did. Saw it, s’matter of fact. Urinating in public. Which is good, because there was talk about it being indecent exposure and some sort of sexual harassment charges, which comes with all sorts of mandatory ‘sex offender’ registration shit. But the cops blew the guy off as being full of himself.”

“There was a guy?” Tony grimaced and rubbed at his face. Shit. Maybe it was the blind date, showing up three hours late? Or just some random asshole. Not that it mattered. “Fuck.”

“No, trust me on this,” the guy said. “This dude, you do not want to fuck.”

Tony sputtered a laugh, and how the hell was it fair for this guy to be so gorgeous _and_ funny? “No, probably not,” he agreed. “Though I’m going to go ahead and guess that my assistant is going to let me cool my heels for a while before she comes for me. She’s a firm believer in punishment.” Tony sighed and swallowed down the last of the crappy coffee. “So what’d you do?”

“I uh, mighta punched Justin Hammer in the face,” the guy said. “In my defense, I didn’t know it was Justin Hammer. Probably just as well. If I’d known it was Justin Hammer, I’d have hit him with my _left_ arm.” The guy shifted his shoulder slightly, showing off a shiny metal prosthetic, a power-capping bracelet attached to his wrist.

“You... you punched Justin Hammer,” Tony repeated. “In the face. And you have gorgeous hardware. You are my new best friend.”

“Certainly both of us are not beloved by Justin Hammer,” the guy said. “After I punched him? You pissed on his car. I uh… think the top was down. Pretty sure, in fact.”

“I did?” Tony brightened. “Totally worth jail time. And maybe even the hangover. Do I want to know why _you_ punched Justin Hammer? If you didn’t know it was him at the time, I have to assume you have not also been screwed out of good business by his sleazebucket smarm.”

“He, uh, used a nine-iron on my car’s window when I wouldn’t give up my parking space for him,” the guy said. “It was totally surreal, like Jack Nicholson bullshit. And then he asked me if I got kicked out of the Army for bein’ a fag.”

Yeah, that sounded like Hammer all over. “Oh, Justin, you little scamp,” Tony tsked. “In that case, I dedicate my desecration of his car to you and queer soldiers everywhere.”

“Not sure how I can put that on a resume, but I'll take it,” he said. “So, fellow Justin Hammer hater, what's your name, anyway? I missed that part of your booking. I'm James Barnes, but my friends call me Bucky, so you totally can.”

Tony offered his hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Bucky. I’m Tony Stark.”

“Huh,” Bucky said. “I know someone who knows you-- sorry I didn't recognize you. The hangover, probably. Sorry.”

Tony waved it off. “You’d be surprised how often people don’t recognize me without all the makeup and airbrushing. Who do we know in common?” It was probably a dead end -- a middle-manager at SI or maybe someone who’d sat in on a conference or something and not anyone Tony _actually_ knew personally, but what else did he have to do while he waited for Pepper to decide he’d suffered enough? He’d had worse days, honestly, than making small talk with a hot guy, even if it was in a holding cell.

“Oh, it's--” Bucky stood up suddenly, “Nat! It's about time you got here.”

Natasha Romanov strode in, not looking anything like her usual self, wearing pink pyjama pants, sneakers, and a tank top that said _I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister_. “Oh. I should have known.”

“ _Natasha?_ ” Bucky’s mystery friend was _Natasha?_ “Before you take Bucky here off into the sunset -- sunrise, whatever -- I’m registering a complaint, Romanov. I don’t know what you told that friend of yours that you set me up with, but he didn’t show. At all. So all of this is somehow _your_ fault.”

“What are you talking about, you both got drunk and assaulted _Hammer_ , which, truth be told, will make a funny story-- I didn’t get it wrong, you two are _made_ for each other.”

Tony froze. Beside him, he could feel Bucky doing the same thing. “ _Bucky_ was my date?” It might have come out a little squeaky. He was blaming it on the hangover.

“Oh, god,” Bucky said, covering his mouth with his hand. “They took your jacket-- you were supposed to be wearing a red and silver pocket square. I didn’t even--”

Tony stared at Bucky. Then he looked at Natasha, whose wide-eyed confusion was rapidly giving way to hilarity. Then he looked back at Bucky.

“I didn’t even need to set you up,” Natasha said, giggling from behind her hand. “I just needed to get you in the _same general area_.”

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose, then loftily ignored her. “So, Bucky,” he said. “Once cupid here springs us -- breakfast?”

“I could do breakfast,” Bucky said. “Don’t suppose we can impose on you to bail Tony out, too?”

“I bail him out, you and I are even on the Budapest thing?”

“That’s Clint’s debt-- you and he remember Budapest _very_ differently,” Bucky said. “But sure. Even. We’ll go with that.”

“You... you know the Budapest story?” Tony had spent _years_ trying to cajole that story out of Natasha.

“You know, you can stay in jail,” Natasha said. “If I know Pepper, she’s getting a mani-pedi and her hair done before she comes down here to get you out.”

“I know the Budapest story,” Bucky confirmed. “Let us out, or I’ll tell it right here. _Really_ loudly.”

“This is the best day of my _life_ ,” Tony announced. The cop unlocking the cell door gave him a sideways look, but Tony didn’t even care.

Nat watched them both file out. “I… might have made a drastic mistake here.”

“Nope, I think you did just fine,” Bucky said, sidling up to Tony and bumping his shoulder.

Tony grinned. “Bucky, I think this is the start of something beautiful.”

 

 


End file.
